I am a question to the world
Not an answer to be heard
Or a moment that's held in your arms
And what do you think you'd ever say?
I won't listen anyway
You don't know me
And I'll never be what you want me to be

And what do you think you'd understand?
I'm a boy, no, I'm a man
You can't take me and throw me away
And how can you learn what's never shown?
Yeah, you stand here on your own
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They don't know me
Cause I'm not here

And you see the things they never see
All you wanted I could be
Now you know me and I'm not afraid
And I want to tell you who I am
Can you help me be a man?
They can't break me
As long as I know who I am

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can the world want me to change?
They're the ones that stay the same
They can't see me
But I'm still here

They can't tell me who to be
Cause I'm not what they see
Yeah, the world is still sleepin'
While I keep on dreamin' for me
And their words are just whispers and lies
That I'll never believe

And I want a moment to be real
Wanna touch things I don't feel
Wanna hold on and feel I belong
And how can they say i'll never change?
They're the ones that stay the same
I'm the one now
'Cause I'm still here

I'm the one now
Cause I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here
I'm still here

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 30

**Disclaimer: Connor is not actually posting this. Obviously he's on a mission. He wrote me, Eliza, a letter and asked me to post this draft for him. So here we go.**

 

 

A Letter to Me.

Dear Connor,

I love how you make sense of your world. People, dreams, days, stars-all come together in a perfect way.

I love how you genuinely care about people. Heaven knows that you can be quick to judge, but you always try to find the good in the people that bother you.

I love how there are dreams stuck in your head that won't leave. Dreams that will become reality because you've got the guts, the passion, and the drive to make it all happen. Don't give up on the things you want. Because they might be the things you need too. God knows what is important to you, and it is important to him as well.

I love how much you care for your family.

I love the way you think about your friends. The way you spend time with them.

I love how much you trust your instincts. Period.

Mostly, I love how comfortable you are with yourself. You're not perfect, but that's just the way I like it. I love how you can look in the mirror, smile so big that you make yourself laugh, and then walk out the door to a perfect day because you've already decided that's how it ends.

Stay golden.

"Dream as if you'll live forever, live as if you'll die today"

Love, Connor James White

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 12

Post your favorite commercial ever and something people seem to compliment you on.

 

Ok this is the best version I could find on YouTube. I like it a lot.

People compliment me on....? This is slightly awkward, but then again, I am the one who made the challenge, so I have no room to talk.

People like my teeth. Me too.

Also, I have a teeth fetish. And yes I just said fetish and it's fine. It's the first thing I notice on someone. I can tell you right now what any of my friends teeth look like. I could probably draw them. Sometimes, I secretly wish I had crooked teeth, ya know? They've got character. Seriously, aske me sometime and I'll just list off my favorite people with favorite teeth. Teeth people.

 

 

Who says I can’t get stoned?
Turn off the lights and the telephone
Me in my house alone
Who says I can’t get stoned?

Who says I can’t be free?
From all of the things that I used to be
Rewrite my history
Who says I can’t be free?

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 11

A book and a movie you love.

East of Eden is perfect.
James Dean for one thing. If you're kind of a fiend like me, then watching this movie will make your jaw drop at brilliance of the man. He literally is flawless and the rest of the cast is actually perfect too. But honestly, I could watch this movie a million times. The story is so good and when Cal takes the money that he made to his father and he rejects it? Saddest thing. Please watch it with me. Easily in the top three.

What's Eating Gilbert Grape is perfect.
I saw the movie first, and I when I found out there was a book, I promptly got my hands on a copy. I'm one of those weird people that likes to read the book of the movie, even if I've already seen it. Also, this is really my favorite movie but why would I blog about the book and the movie? Ugh, I probably would. But not today. Anyhoo, I read this book in one day. Guys, that's a big deal for me. Heavens knows I'm a book lover, but my brain is usually incapable of such a long time with the written word. I am Gilbert Grape. Besides his awesome hair. That's really all there is to know. Unless you've read it, I really can't talk about how good it is or else you just won't understand. Take my word for it.And Addy, if you're reading this, I need my book back.

Both of these make me feel human.

Where there is desire there is gonna be a flame

Where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned

But just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die

You've gotta get up and try

Manifest Ultimatum: Day 10

Ways to win your heart, songs you sing in the shower, items you lust after, words/phrases that make you laugh and reasons to hate you. Five of each (at least).


Ways to Win My Heart

1. Dream big, be incredibly down to earth, and have passion for life. (Not too much to ask, right??)

2. Accept all my interests and outlets.

3. Eat food and go to the theatre with me.

4. Rub my back.

5. Sing with me and listen to all types of music.

Songs I Sing in the Shower

1. "When We Die" by Bowling For Soup

2. "Listen" by Beyonce

3. "It Takes Two" from Hairspray

4. "What a Catch, Donnie" by Fall Out Boy

5. "Smoky Mountain Memories" by Dolly Parton/David Archuleta

Items I Lust After

1. Clothing. Specifically shoes.

2. TV shows on DVD

3. James Dean memorabilia (weird, I know)

4. Sheet music

5. Cool editions of all my favorite books. Just books, I guess.

Words/Phrases That Make Me Laugh

1. "hoot and a half"

2. "stop being so FREAKin' hilarious"

3. "complete fiend"

4. "psycho"

5. *censored phrase* Ask me if you really want to know.

Reasons To Hate Me

1. I touched Kelly Clarkson's hand.

2. I'm the kid who forgets it's test day but still aces the test.

3. I eat whatever I want and don't gain a pound.

4. Future Sexiest Man Alive Winner.

5. My body doesn't really sleep. In a good way.

Bye.

I'm not street, but I do what I gotta do

So what, you got a crew? I got a crew too

I'm not street, but I do what I gotta do

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 9

 

Write a really vague post.

You keep me awake at night. In a good way.

You've got mystique. It's a really big plus because I just always want to get inside your head. And when I do, it's captivating.

You retweeted me one time, and it made my whole life.

When someone asks me who my best friend is, most of the time I say no one. But sometimes I say you. Because in the end, you are.

There was a day that I honestly thought I would marry you. Now, I'm not so sure.

I had a three day crush on you. Real life. You would laugh if you knew it was you.

When I go to California, because I will, you are coming with me. And I just realized I'm talking to more than one person.

You told me to dream big, and it's one of the most beautiful, sincere, and genuine things anyone has ever said to me.

I was mean to you. And now I'm trying to make up for it.

I know you. You know me. That's really enough. I miss you.

I don't even know what to say to you. I'll miss you when I'm gone. Also, it was me who made that awful assumption. Sorry.

I feel like we're frenemies. But we're friends right now. And I really want to keep it that way. And I wish the best for you.

The day I met you, I knew we were supposed to be friends. It was almost creepy. I knew that one day I had to be there for you. So I tried really hard to be your friend. And finally, that day came.

I could talk to you for hours. Hours. There's a part of my soul that only you understand because it's in you too.

You are one of the most down-to-earth, genuine and cool people I've ever met. I love you so much. And I love how much you love me. Let's get married.

I wish I knew the parts you left out of everything you ever said to me.

You make me laugh so hard, and I feel we would have never been friends if we didn't live so close.

I'm still waiting to find someone that knows you as well as I do, but they haven't turned up yet. So I guess I'm happy with that.

I still don't know exactly what I did to get on your bad side, but it makes me sad.

I can't put my finger on what makes me so drawn to you. But it's been like this for a while, and I don't see any end in sight.

One day, I thought about kissing you. You would die if you knew this. Sometimes I love you, other times I am completely apathetic. It all has to do with your confidence level. Sorry I'm a jerk.

I actually really like you and I want to be better friends with you.

I hate when I see hints of the hurt in your eyes from that day.

You are just good. If there was ever a person just filled with good, it's you.

That was surprisingly therapeutic.

Have a nice day.

I am the man on the side
Hoping you'll make up your mind
I am the one who will swallow his pride
Life as the man on the side

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 8

Write something about musicals you love, something that made you cry, and something you're embarassed of.

Ok. This is definitely a hard one. Musicals? I can't write about musicals I love because I just love musicals. "It's the best life", I say to myself. Who wouldn't want to listen to, watch, and chat about Broadway all day long? It's the greatest.

Let's talk about H2$. I saw it in New York, yes with Daniel Radcliffe, and I wasn't even expecting to see or like it. Fricken' changed my life, guys. I love it so much. I must be in it before I die. As far as Golden Musical Comedies go, easily the best.

Then there's Next to Normal. Not for the faint of heart, but man, that show could bring me to tears, if I cried (which we'll chat about in a second). Sooo good. Saw it at the Pioneer and it's just...gah. Miraculous.

Dreamgirls. Someone in my family has to watch with me before I go on my mission. Beyonce? Jennifer Hudson? It could not get better. The singing will knock your socks off.

Les Mis. Enough said. Except that it comes out while I'm on my mission, which is really showing sacrifice in my case.

In the Heights. Must say, that I'm waiting to love this. Yes, I'm a total poser, only know like four songs, but I'm seeing it this Friday! So HA.

Hairspray will always be my first love. That's another I must be in before I die. I could probably watch that movie a hundred times.

Newsies is also legen...dary. There was a time during junior year when the routine went like this. 1. Come home. 2. Pee 3. Play Santa Fe on the piano and belt it out at the top of your lungs. Real Life.

I'm also very obsessed with the Johnny Depp Sweeney Todd. So good.

Promises, Promises, The Last 5 Years, Memphis, Rent, Aida, etc. Ya, I'll spare you on the rest.


Crying.

Guys, I don't cry. I just feel, but no crying. Considering all the emotions my face is capable of making, even the ones I don't want it to, it's actually odd. Because I rarely cry. If I almost cry in a movie, it's almost a guaranteed favorite. The only movie I've ever cried in is Lord of the Rings Return of the King. I know. But you have to understand, LOTR was my life in fourth grade. When they sailed off to those grey shores, just couldn't handle. Life=over. Other close ones include East of Eden, Gilbert Grape and Titanic.


Something I'm embarassed of?

I don't get embarassed that easily, so it's hard for me to think of one.

And now after letting this blog sit in draft form for three days while I thought, I still can't think of anything. Maybe I should be more embarassed about some things, but I'm not.

I LIKE HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL.

word.




Sorry this post was so indulgent.

 

“Life is like a box of crayons. Most people are the 8-color boxes, but what you're really looking for are the 64-color boxes with the sharpeners on the back. I fancy myself to be a 64-color box, though I've got a few missing. It's ok though, because I've got some more vibrant colors like periwinkle at my disposal. I have a bit of a problem though in that I can only meet the 8-color boxes. Does anyone else have that problem? I mean there are so many different colors of life, of feeling, of articulation.. so when I meet someone who's an 8-color type.. I'm like, "hey girl, magenta!" and she's like, "oh, you mean purple!" and she goes off on her purple thing, and I'm like, "no - I want magenta!"”

 

-John Mayer

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 7

 

Jkjkjk. Technical difficulties. Stay posted.

  

Now they're celebrating broken things
I don't want a world of broken things
You can tell that something isn't right
When all your heroes are in black and white

What a drag to say
At least I still have yesterday

Show me something I can be
Play a song that I can sing
Make me feel as I am free
Someone come speak for me
Someone come speak for me

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 6

I love America.

I love the people. The stubborn, the kind, the hardworking, the strong. People turn their dreams into reality here. If you're sitting around only wishing, remember that there are people out there doing the things you are wishing about. So get up and do them. That's what the American Dream is all about. Rags to riches and all that stuff.

Forget the political crap, this is a country to be proud of. Just the fact that I can blog about my opinions is amazing. I can practice whichever religion I choose, have my voice heard on issues important to me, and live without fear.

I think it would make the Founding Fathers sick to see what a bunch of entitled whiners have populated America. I think America has a lot of growing to do, but it's still in a great place. Pay some respect.

Basically, I have a strong sense of patriotism. I think that this is really lacking in our country right now. Too many people complain about what's wrong in America, when there is still so much to be grateful for.

God Bless the USA.

A people that values its privileges above it above its principles soon loses both. -Dwight D. Eisenhower

I'm gonna steer clear
I'd burn up in your atmosphere
I'm gonna steer clear
Cause I'd die if I saw you
I'd die if i didn't see you there
So i don't think I'm gonna go to LA anymore

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 5

CONCERTS.

Ones I've attended:

James Taylor at Usana (so indie, so epic)
American Idol Season 5 (Blake Lewis, Jordin Sparks)
Jordin Sparks at Scera Shell (awkward...)
Kelly Clarkson at UVU
American Idol Season 7 (David Cook, David Archuleta)
John Mayer at Usana (The Day my soul was laid to rest)
Kelly Clarkson and Matt Nathanson at the E Center (touched the actual hand of an actual goddess)
[Had tickets for John Mayer at Hard Rock in Vegas until he cancelled. The day I actually died.]

Who would I like to see? MAROON 5. It's become necessary.

Dream set list. In no particular order.

1. Daylight
2. She Will Be Loved
3. Goodnight Goodnight
4. Never Gonna Leave This Bed
5. Better That We Break
6. Fortune Teller
7. Sad
8. Makes Me Wonder
9. Wake Up Call
10. Won't Go Home Without You
11. Beautiful Goodbye
12. Payphone (acoustic)
13. One More Night
14. Lucky Strike
15. Sunday Morning
15. Harder to Breathe
16. No Curtain Call
17. Stutter
18. Story
19. Open Arms (sweet cover)
20. The Man Who Never Lied

Ya. After seeing John and Kelly, my body would totes part with the ghost after this shindig.

P.S. Fall Out Boy must happen. MUST. Ugh. Why did I just think of this? Whatever. Pete Wentz is still my idol.

 

Words get trapped in my mind
Sorry I don't take the time to feel the way I do
'Cause the first day you came into my life
My time ticks around you

 

All I want is you to understand
That when I take your hand
It's 'cause I want to
We are all born in a world of doubt
And there's no doubt
I figured out
I love you

And I feel lonely for
All the losers that will never take the time to say
What was really on their mind instead
They just hide away
Yet they'll never have
Someone like you to guard them
And help along the way
Or tell them when it's time to say, "I love you"
So tell me when it's time to say "I love you"


Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 4

Imitate a meme and write a haiku.

 

 

 

 

 

 

You saved me this time.

Making paper out of me.

Shifting gears again.

 

 

 

Tricky stuff.

For you, there'll be no more crying,
For you, the sun will be shining,
And I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right

To you, I'll give the world
to you, I'll never be cold
'Cause I feel that when I'm with you,
It's alright, I know it's right.

And the songbirds are singing,
Like they know the score,
And I love you, I love you, I love you,
Like never before.

And I wish you all the love in the world,
But most of all, I wish it for myself.

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 3

MOVIE DAY.

Title of Move: What's Eating Connor White Just East of Ocean AKA California (And New York) [Working Title]
,
Soundtrack: Too much John Mayer, "Songbird" by Fleetwood Mac, "Iris" by The Goo Goo Dolls, "When We Die" by Bowling For Soup, "Best Day of My Life" by Jesse McCartney, "Only Human" by Tim McGraw, "Don't Tell Me" by Avril Lavigne (HA!), "Crash Into Me" by Dave Matthews Band, "Superman" by Five For Fighting, "Golden" by Fall Out Boy, "Guts" by All Time Low, "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas, "(Coffee's For Closers)" by Fall Out Boy, "Screaming Infidelities" by Dashboard Confessional, "Born to Be Somebody" by Justin Bieber. Dang. I'd watch that.

Me: Tom Daley/Topher Grace

Eliza Summerhays: Emma Watson

Davis Rutter: Colton Haynes

Emily McKendrick: Anne Hathaway

Niki Maxwell: Tina Fey

Hailey Jensen: Kristen Wiig

Chantal Pereira: Vanessa Hudgens

Benjamin Wright: Cher/Andy Serkis

Lisa Raymond: Lea Michele

Hannah Berlin: Kate Hudson

Skyler Smith: Jesse Tyler Ferguson

Natalie Luna: Dora the Explorer

Kohler Fryer: Jim Parsons/Jack Black

Laura Fishburn: Natalie Portman

Marley Anderson: Hayden Panattiere

Jantzen Adams: Zac Efron/Will Ferrell

Sean Lee: Kevin Bacon

Addy Baird: Emma Stone

Chandi McArthur: Leslie Bibb

Kristen Parker: Claire Danes

Cody Buckner: David Schwimmer

Krista Saltmarsh: Julie Gonzalo

Morgan Nelson: Penelope Cruz

Mary Pew: Amanda Bynes


Haha ok I'll stop now. They're just getting crazy. If I left you out, it's probably because I had no freaking clue. Forgive me.

Also, Pete Wentz and Andrew Garfield are in my movie. Don't know where. Probably like eerie, ghostly mentors.


Love Interest: Victoria Beckham/Miley Cyrus/Gwen Stefani

Enemy: Jonah Hill/Mark Salling

Production starts now. But really, they better make a movie out of me one day.

I took my love, I took it down
Climbed a mountain and I turned around
And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills
Till the landslide brought me down

Oh, mirror in the sky, what is love?
Can the child within my heart rise above?
Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?
Can I handle the seasons of my life?

Well, I've been afraid of changing
'Cause I've built my life around you
But time makes you bolder
Even children get older and I'm getting older too

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 2

LEO BABY. RAWR.

Famous Leos: Amy Adams, Ben Affleck, Lucille Ball, Kate Beckinsale, Usain Bolt, Halle Berry, Ray Bradbury, Emily Bronte, Sandra Bullock, Steve Carell, James Cameron, Coco Chanel, Robert DeNiro, Andrew Garfield, Chris Hemsworth, Alfred Hitchcock, Whitney Houston, Joe Jonas, Jennifer Lawrence, Mila Kunis, Ryan Lochte, Madonna, Dustin Hoffman, J.K. Rowling, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Andy Warhol, Kristen Wiig, Louis Vuitton, Tim Tebow.

SCORE.

Leo Personality

Traits: The Leo is a dominant and strong character, full of self-confidence and independent. They love to make their presence known and enjoy being in the spotlight. Leos are devoted to what they believe in and will follow tenaciously practices other people may think of as out of date.
Leos are idealistic, humane and intelligent they are also courageous and will nearly always speak their mind. Leos are arrogantly proud and are very protective of their own reputation. They can sometimes come across as self-centred, overbearing and intolerant of others views which doesn't always make them popular. However many are attracted to the wit and charm of the Leo and despite their fiery temper they seldom hold a grudge.
Leos love their luxuries, loving to live in grandeur and will never settle for second best. Leos have a strong urge for power and in their chosen career will strive to be on top and they have the intelligence and stamina to get there. They are good organizers and they like to take charge.
In a relationship they are open, sincere and genuine. They are also trusting and warm hearted. They will very often speak their mind however this can get them into trouble from time to time. Leos are not always a good judge of character but they are generous, trusting and warm hearted towards their partners.

Leo in love: Love conquers all.
Opposite sign - Aquarius.
Perfect match - Aries and Sagittarius.
The Leo lover positive traits:

• Brave
• Honest
• Generous
• Responsible
• Warm natured
• Loyal
• Kind

The Leo Lover negative traits:

• Stubborn
• Envy
• Arrogance
• Indifference
• Irritable
• Boastful

Um. Hi. Me here. Definitely me. I've been weirdly attracted to zodiacs and horoscopes lately. I know they're vague, but guess what? This is pretty dang true for me. Awesome. What do you think?

I never wanted to stop because I don't wanna start all over, start all over,
I was afraid of the dark but now it's all that I want, all that I want, all that I want

And when the daylight comes I'll have to go
But tonight I'm gonna hold you so close
Cause in the daylight we'll be on our own
But tonight I need to hold you so close

Manifesto Ultimatum: Day 1

Sheesh. Everyone calm down. Here I go.

My face.

Just woke up. Don't judge.

K it's actually really hard to take a self-profile.

I don’t look like anyone in my family. They’re all blonde. I’ve got the darkest hair (not that dark) and tannest skin (not that tan). I’ve got two symmetrical moles on my cheeks under my eyes that I definitely like. I have a dog mark on the right side of my face from when a dog bit me. I was scarred, literally . I secretIy like it. There’s also a horizontal scar on my upper left forehead from when I played tag with the corner of a coffee table. Definitely like that one too. My nose has got the “White bump” on it (a trait from my father’s side). I’m actually really comfortable with my face. I mean, what else can you do about it? Just remember, you may not be the most attractive, but you’re not the ugliest either. If you want to get specific, I like my eyes and teeth best. Sometimes I secretly want crooked teeth. Don’t ask, I’m not sure why. I’ve also got the unfortunate follicles to grow a unibrow. Maybe fortunate? We’ll see if those are in next season.

I’m very opinionated, too honest, and too aware. I love all things movies, musicals, and people. Mostly people. I’m slightly OCD, germaphobic, and one of those stereotypical, self-diagnosed ADD people. I love music, as cliché as that sounds. I have a toad named Skeeter, I’m still surprised he’s alive. I’m really not afraid to be myself, and don’t care much for people who don’t accept that. I’m optimistic, and really just pleased to be alive. Also, if you’re in, you’re in for life. Figure that one out. Resident James Dean fan. Also, if I’m not making you laugh, I’m doing something wrong.

I can be pensive


You can be so sure


You'll be the poison


You'll be the cure


I'm alone on the journey

I'm alive none the less


And when you do your very worst


Mmm it feels the best





And you'll fall down a hole


That's the one place we both know


You take me with you if you could, but I wouldn't go


I guess sometimes we both loose our minds


To find a better road

Epic 30 Day Challenge

Well, I'm sorry if this means I'm stereotypical. But this just needs to happen.

I shamelessly copied, pasted, begged, borrowed, and held family members hostage for ideas.


And here it is. The Epic 30 Day Challenge. Or as I like to call it, Manifesto Ultimatum . Eh, cause it sounds cool.

Don't fall off this wagon, cause there's glory at the finish line.

MANIFESTO ULTIMATUM

Day 1: Post a headshot, and profile of your face. Tell about your face and some basic facts about you.

Day 2: Write about your zodiac/horoscope and if you think it fits your personality.

Day 3: Pretend there's a movie about you. What is it called? What's the soundtrack? What celebrity plays you, your love interest, your enemy and your best friend? You can cast multiple people if you need to.

Day 4: Imitate a meme(s) and write a haiku.

Day 5: List concerts you've attended, and a dream set list of a band you haven't seen in concert.

Day 6: Post an unpopular opinion.

Day 7: Record yourself dancing to Call Me Maybe, Wide Awake or Toxic. Or a sweet mash-up or something.

Day 8: Write something about musicals you love, something that made you cry, and something you're embarassed of.

Day 9: Write a really vague post.

Day 10: Ways to win your heart, songs you sing in the shower, items you lust after, words/phrases that make you laugh and reasons to hate you. Five of each (at least).

Day 11: A book and a movie you love.

Day 12: Post your favorite commercial ever and something people seeem to compliment you on.

Day 13: Convince everyone that you were the cutest child, using lots of photos.

Day 14: Meditate for 30 min. Dark room, silence, lots of "ohhhhhmmmms" and yoga stances. Blog everything you thought about.

Day 15: People you're obsessed with.

Day 16: Write about your favorite era. 20's, 30's etc. Why you should have grown up there and such.

Day 17: Ten favorite fictional characters and which fictional world you wished you lived in.

Day 18: Pics of your favorite outfit, shoes, closet, and favorite piece of clothing you own.

Day 19: Host your own cooking show. Post a video showing everyone how to cook something.

Day 20: Show pictures, or tell about tattoos that you'd like, but obviously refuse to get...

Day 21: Share 15 tips on how to get through life.

Day 22: Talke about your favorite store and get dressed without looking in the mirror.

Day 23: Share a spiritual message.

Day 24: Write about your favorite possessions and post pictures. Bonus points for a video of you swimming in them (Yes, swimming).

Day 25: Something totally creeper status you've done.

Day 26: A quote to try to live by and why.

Day 27: List your guilty pleasure playlist.

Day 28: Favorite actors.

Day 29: Bullet point your whole day.

Day 30: A letter to yourself. Tell yourself everything you love about yourself.

Go forth and do! Day one starts tomorrow!

Give your heart then change your mind
You're allowed to do it
'Cause God knows it's been done to you
And somehow you got through it

Alive in the age of worry
Rage in the age of worry
Sing out in the age of worry
And say, "Worry, why should I care?"

Semiconscious

Playlist alert. I promise you'll like it. Now go knock yourself out. Tell me what you think.

Semiconscious

1. I Need Some Sleep/Eels (Once upon a time, this song does not exist on Youtube. Find it yourself)
2. Edge of Desire/John Mayer
3. Wild Horses/Natasha Bedingfield
4. Superman (It's Not Easy)/Five For Fighting
5. Everything/Lifehouse
6. Dear John/Taylor Swift
7. The Poison/All American Rejects
8. Naked As We Came/Iron & Wine
9. Crash Into Me/Dave Matthews Band
10. Little House/Amanda Seyfried
11. Turning Tables/Adele
12. Bottom of the Ocean/Miley Cyrus
13. A Beautiful Mess/Jason Mraz
14. Beautiful Disaster (Live)/Kelly Clarkson
15. Not Like the Movies/Katy Perry

Ya know? Like that not asleep, not awake mood?

The world is filled with
The lives of people who try to define
The lines that find you
Can anyone save you?

Go down the hall
Drink from the bottle
And never go home
No one's to blame
We're always the same

The truth is never far away
You always give yourself away
Through open eyes a slide of him
Won't you reveal to me?
Reveal to me

The Heart of Life Is Good

Whoever doesn't like John Mayer needs to get out.

Seriously, that man is genius. I knew some of his songs growing up, but it wasn't until the summer before my junior year that I started listening to a giant, "John Mayer" playlist on my iPod that I had ignored for too long.

I became obsessed in June and could not stop listening to him. So good. That summer, he was also conveniently coming to town. Natalie and I went and it cemented my obsession into me thinking I'm a close confidante he's never met.

Honestly, if you can't appreciate him in some way, we just can't be friends. At the same time, I'm secretly fiercely protective of who's allowed to listen to him. Like a really confused hipster.

Also, he's the #1 listened to artist on my iPod in case anyone cares.

Basically what I'm getting at:
Don't you dare call John a douche, insult his music, or really anything about him while I'm around. Seriously, just keep it quiet. I'll defend that man, probably too aggressively, until I die, I guess.

Looking to get into his music? Try these ten songs, in no particular order. In no way are these his ten best, but for today, they sound great to me.

1. Slow Dancing in a Burning Room
2. Stop This Train
3. In Repair
4. The Heart of Life
5. Victoria
6. Comfortable
7. Why Georgia
8. Bigger Than My Body
9. The Age of Worry
10. A Face to Call Home

Wow. That was hard. I feel like I just flew away in a helicopter while 100 starving orphans watched me leave.

Also, remember how I'm going to Montana on an LDS mission? Well, I am. John lives in Montana.

Assume the rest.

I WORSHIP JOHN MAYER. IN A SLIGHTLY CREEPY WAY.

"I believe that my life's gonna see the love i give returned to me."

And Then I Remembered

About to lose my breathe,
There's no more fighting left,
Sinking to rise no more,
Searching for that open door.

And every road that I've taken
Lead to my regret.
And I don't know if I'm going to make it.
Nothing to do but lift my head

I look to you.
I look to you.
After all my strength is gone,
In you I can be strong
I look to you.
I look to you.
And when melodies are gone,
In you I hear a song.
I look to you.

Suddenly_Sinking

Why do I feel like this? "askdflpawoeifuvx;ckvxma,w;eflsidrjfea;selkfvudcio"

Building things up to break it back down again. Because that's what I'm good at these days. Days. Counting the days, because they really mean people, and that's what I'll miss the most. People that call me for a change. People that need Arby's on a Tuesday night. People that don't text back but you'll be waiting for them when they remember who their real friends are.

And nights. If the days get shorter, then the nights get longer. Getting cases of those late night tweets, and thinking of what movie to start at one a.m., and who you wish you were watching it with.

And who really loves me? Cause I can tell who does. And I love them back just as much.

And words. Holy crap the words. Trying to find some sort of outlet for all the words in my head and panicking when the wrong ones come out.

Basically I can be summed up as, "As for me I wish that I was anywhere, with anyone, making out"

I might delete this in the morning. Might not.

Don't let me get me.

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat."

Blogpost From the Hot Place

One time, I thought it would be a great idea to ask everyone on Twitter what I should blog about.

I will now try to complete everyone's wishes.

@mlemae2: @ConnorWhite11 all your best buds, and inside jokes...

Em. There are too many. It's just a simple fact. But since I said I would, I will now say one nice thing and one inside joke about the first ten people that come to my head.

Eliza: Classiest woman. SCHNOW!

Emily M: Hilarious. M Dubs fiend. Schmeeeeee.

Sean: Stud. Great at DDR...haha. Baby goat....baby goat....

Hailey: Such a fiend, and so nice and funny. WE A HAPPY FAMILY

Krista: Wonder of the world, oh ya, she's Miss AF. Hottest thing. Magicmagicmagic

Mary: Funniest woman I know. Benitatatatata

K that's enough.

@SiDani143: @ConnorWhite11 ME.

Sid will always be the cul-de-sac bud. The potato salad fiend. The throw-rocks-at-your-window-and-catch-up friend. We almost never actually hang out, but it doesn't matter. When we do, it's just like we've been hanging out everyday. I mostly see her when we're leaving our houses. One time, we made a sweet pork and bean can telephone line across the cul-de-sac. It was epic. And it worked. Serious though, I love Sid. I would not have anyone else share a cul-de-sac with me. Oh ya, one time she joined drama and everything got ten times better. Roger + Gladyyysss forever. That girl makes me laugh so hard. Too much love for her.

@whitlockwonder: @ConnorWhite11 I want you to tell me all about the appropriate proportions for the ideal watering can. Go.

Well, Josh.

One part spout, fifteen parts can, 1/2 part handle. I don't think I could be any more appropriate.

@chandimc: @ConnorWhite11 me.

Chandi is a wonder of the world who makes me wonder where she was all my life. She is very fun to be around and appreciates all my Disney love. We're nerds together. I love when she wants to have a movie night at her house, and she wants to watch Dreamgirls and it's the best day. Or when she has a BBQ for all the seniors and I think she's the greatest human. Or, she just whips up a tray of brownies and everything is right in the world. Chandi is bomb.com.

@OlsenCameron: @ConnorWhite11 me!! :)

Cameron is my token ginger friend. I saw him at the movie theaters today. Cameron is the best because I can tell whatever crummy joke I have to him and he will laugh. Seriously, some jokes are only for his ears. He knows that. Also, we like to quote crummy movies too. But they're the best. Three.........amazing...........beandips *passes out* There's actually too many things we laugh at that aren't appropriate to write on the internet.

@melissadeaun: @ConnorWhite11 A story that will make me laugh really hard :)

It's actually so awkward because I don't think I have funny stories. So because I can't think of anything else...

Once upon a time, Natalie has a parrot. It's name is Pico because she wanted to think of a better name than Pico so she named it Pico while thinking of a new name and the new name never came so now it's called Pico. Bummer.

Me and Pico tried to be friends until the day it decided my finger was a hotdog and tried to chomp it off. So now I think of cute Beanie Babies they could make out of his dead body.

Seriously, I never associate with the bird. Never talk to the bird. Usually just give it the bird. Our only interactions are me throwing things at it's cage.

So revenge gets in it's head one day, right? And he's outside of his cage, sitting on top and decides its high-time to show the humans he can fly. Flies to Natalie's bed. Nbd. Natalie grabs him and sets him back on the cage. I start walking out of the room and suddenly Pico lets out a "EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAELTONJOHNNNNNNNNNA" and comes flapping after the back of my head like the Nazgul in LOTR. Serious, that thing was freaking hellbent and I pooed my pants mid-run and barely made it around the corner.

Needless to say, Ryan and Tanner are enjoying their new stuffed animal. That blinks.


Well, folks. If you made it this far, I applaud you. If you need me, I will be watching the Men's Tell All. Bye.

You can say we’re done the way you always do
It’s easier to lie to me than to yourself
Forget about your friends, you know they’re gonna say
We’re bad for each other, but we ain’t good for anyone else

My Haunted Past

Once upon a time, a boy named Connor lived.

And when he was in third grade, a hamster lived with him.

Was this any normal hamster? No. Jason got the normal, brown, stereotypical hamster named "Buddy".

And me? I got the albino white, with fiendish red eyes one named "Daisy". But then my mom made me change it to "Snowball". The beginning of my therapy.

One day, Jason thought it would be a marvelous idea to leave the cage on a one foot stool in the middle of our room, and lock my dog Annie in the room.

Hours later, my third-grade self was contentedly finishing something terribly third-grade when I waltzed into the room to find the cage in pieces, Annie in an animalistic rage, and sawdust all over the floor.

"EEEEEEEEEEE" I shrieked.

I kicked Annie out of the room and began feverishly looking for hamsters. First, I found Jason's under a pile of socks in the closet. Safe as could be.

And then I saw Snowball.

He was in a lump on the ground. Annie had grabbed him with her mouth by his back legs and whipped him around until he flew off of his own legs. The red bloody stumps that were left were an eerie contrast to his white fur.

This is where I fly into a world-famous hysterical fit.

"JAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSOOOONNNN I WILL RIP THE LIFE OUT OF YOU! I WILL RUB TOOTHPASTE IN YOUR EYES! I WILL PUT JAM IN ALL YOUR UNDERWEAR! I WILL SING SONGS ABOUT YOUR PAST!  I WILL PUT DISEASE IN ALL YOUR FOOD! I WILL BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!"

I was uncontrollable and very violent. Finally, my mom talked me out of violent hate crimes and I had to go clean up the mess (Can you believe that? Now I have to clean up the murder site of my own pet. Ugh.)

I shoveled sawdust in an bawled my way through most of the cleaning. Then, through angsty tears, I made a discovery.

Two white legs.

I vowed to keep those legs forever. And it almost worked.

BRAINSCAR MOMENT: Then, I dropped my still breathing hamster in the trashcan outside, and I still remember his eyes staring at me as I closed the lid.

Months, and I mean months, possibly a year went by. One day, my mom was cleaning my room and she lifted up half an Easter egg lid and discovered two, tiny, shriveled, hamster legs. And she ate them. Jk.

Well kids, she threw them away. And I was sad.

{insert self-discovery and life-changing moral here}

Props to immunizations for keeping me safe from dead hamster disease.

Actually, to be honest. I'm not a packrat anymore. Yipee.

Awkward Me Here

Hi. The posts that seem semi-dramatic/sasha fierce status? They're just lyrics of songs that I obsess over. The artist and song title are in the labels. Expect more. And go look them up. Good songs, people. I won't lead you astray.

 I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this.

I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard,

 words that you needed so bad.

I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you,

the things that you needed to have.