My Haunted Past

Once upon a time, a boy named Connor lived.

And when he was in third grade, a hamster lived with him.

Was this any normal hamster? No. Jason got the normal, brown, stereotypical hamster named "Buddy".

And me? I got the albino white, with fiendish red eyes one named "Daisy". But then my mom made me change it to "Snowball". The beginning of my therapy.

One day, Jason thought it would be a marvelous idea to leave the cage on a one foot stool in the middle of our room, and lock my dog Annie in the room.

Hours later, my third-grade self was contentedly finishing something terribly third-grade when I waltzed into the room to find the cage in pieces, Annie in an animalistic rage, and sawdust all over the floor.

"EEEEEEEEEEE" I shrieked.

I kicked Annie out of the room and began feverishly looking for hamsters. First, I found Jason's under a pile of socks in the closet. Safe as could be.

And then I saw Snowball.

He was in a lump on the ground. Annie had grabbed him with her mouth by his back legs and whipped him around until he flew off of his own legs. The red bloody stumps that were left were an eerie contrast to his white fur.

This is where I fly into a world-famous hysterical fit.

"JAAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSOOOONNNN I WILL RIP THE LIFE OUT OF YOU! I WILL RUB TOOTHPASTE IN YOUR EYES! I WILL PUT JAM IN ALL YOUR UNDERWEAR! I WILL SING SONGS ABOUT YOUR PAST!  I WILL PUT DISEASE IN ALL YOUR FOOD! I WILL BLOG ABOUT THIS!!!!!!!!"

I was uncontrollable and very violent. Finally, my mom talked me out of violent hate crimes and I had to go clean up the mess (Can you believe that? Now I have to clean up the murder site of my own pet. Ugh.)

I shoveled sawdust in an bawled my way through most of the cleaning. Then, through angsty tears, I made a discovery.

Two white legs.

I vowed to keep those legs forever. And it almost worked.

BRAINSCAR MOMENT: Then, I dropped my still breathing hamster in the trashcan outside, and I still remember his eyes staring at me as I closed the lid.

Months, and I mean months, possibly a year went by. One day, my mom was cleaning my room and she lifted up half an Easter egg lid and discovered two, tiny, shriveled, hamster legs. And she ate them. Jk.

Well kids, she threw them away. And I was sad.

{insert self-discovery and life-changing moral here}

Props to immunizations for keeping me safe from dead hamster disease.

Actually, to be honest. I'm not a packrat anymore. Yipee.

Awkward Me Here

Hi. The posts that seem semi-dramatic/sasha fierce status? They're just lyrics of songs that I obsess over. The artist and song title are in the labels. Expect more. And go look them up. Good songs, people. I won't lead you astray.

 I'm scared to death that there may not be another one like this.

I confess that I'm only holding on by a thin, thin thread.

I'm kicking the curb cause you never heard,

 words that you needed so bad.

I'm kicking the dirt cause I never gave you,

the things that you needed to have.

Pouring Duties Call

As part of my quest to spread positive energy into the world, I have decided to write about a human I love.

Kristen Parker.

This woman makes my life, you guys. No, really. It's insane how much I like to be around her, and how I never get sick of her.

Kristen is wonderful because she sees the good in life. Kristen is forgiving. Kristen knows when it's time to go to bed.

Kristen is motherly.

Kristen can light up my day with her Beaming Beluskie smile, tell me she hates my shorts, eat all my otter pops and make me laugh until my sides hurt. And I'll just keep on wearing the shorts because that's how comfortable we are together.

Kristen is prepared.

Kristen is beautiful. She doesn't even know it. "Connor, am I fun enough to date? Am I hott enough to date?"

Yes, Kristen. Of course. Yes. Yes. Yes. You're just five-foot-eleven-and-three-quarters. And someday you'll meet some 6'6" man that sweeps you off your feet and is knocked off his own by the pent-up sexual frustration we know you have.

Kristen is selfless.

You know those friends that make you wish laughter were never invented so your abs didn't hurt so much? That's Kristen. She can get me into one of "those moods" where suddenly everything is funny. And suddenly you find yourself playing Credit Card Monopoly, and she's winning by $30 Million dollars and you don't even care because she's too much fun to watch.

Kristen trusts the Lord.

Kristen has taught me that friends can come and go. But friends can turn into family, and then it's ok to hold on to them forever.

Kristen reminded me that watching The Rescuers, and Rugrats, and Bachelorette because you simply want to is fine, because some people don't know how to do that.

Kristen helps me to never grow up. "Connor, when we go to Disneyland, we can be the kids that we really are inside", she says to me almost in tears. Kristen, there is no one I would rather spend three blissful, childish days with than you.

Kristen is interesting.

Most of all, Kristen has shown me that there are good people in the world. There are people that love hanging out with you. There are people that will come over and love your family as much as you. There are people that will come rip out carpet on a Sunday with you, because you need some help. There are people that will write you on your mission, because they'll miss you being gone, and you'll need whatever piece of them you can get for two years.

Kristen, thanks for being my friend. Thanks for putting up with my moods, and dealing with my pickiness and fiendishness, and the shorts. Thanks for being honest. Completely honest. Thanks for being trustworthy, loyal, and someone to look up to.

Kristen, I love you. Never change. Stay golden.

When I wake up, the dream isn't done.

 I want to see your face and know I made it home.

If nothing is true, what more can I do?

 I am still painting flowers for you.

Fiend

This begins a three month stint before I leave on an LDS mission to Billings, Montana on October 3rd (Which I am completely excited about and will probably have a later post dedicated to said excitement).

Today I was criticized for saying a simple word. Fiend.

Anonymous friend: "Dude, why do you say that so much? I promised I would never say the word fiend. Shoot, I just did."

Me: "Sorry! You just hang around KP too much and it rubs off."

Sometimes the question is asked, "What does that even mean?"

Well folks,

noun

1.

Satan; the devil.

2.

any evil spirit; demon.

3.

a diabolically cruel or wicked person. Synonyms: monster, savage, brute, beast, devil.

4.

a person or thing that causes mischief or annoyance: Those children are little fiends.

5.

Informal . a person who is extremely addicted to some pernicious habit: an opium fiend.

All definitions have been vivaciously used in a number of settings.

"I don't want to wear that neon wig to the store because I feel too fiendish"

"What kind of fiend likes watching the Bachelorette??"

"Oh, you know, we've just been fiending it up since you left."

"I feel like a complete and utter fiend for wiping my booger on your chair!"

What fiend really means is, whatever the dang heck you want it to.

So go on, use fiend in every day life. And remember that KP started it all. As she said to me the other day, "Do you find yourself running out of adjectives besides fiend?"

Yes, KP. Adjectives, nouns, verbs etc. The whole fricken shebang.

M DUB DOS

Please tell me you know what the above means.

If you do, call me at 123456789. We'll play.

Ok so shortie today, once upon a time me and Emily play once a day. Modern Warfare 2 is our passion. This is a normal summer day for us.

1. Call from Emily. Which usually consists of:

Emily: Hey
Connor: Hey
Emily: Juggernauts?
Connor: Obviously
Emily: Be there in a sec

That's all.

We just really like it I guess. Halo? Not so much. Oh ya and are we stoked about MW3? Not even a question. Please confess if you have the same addiction. We're only wishing we were playing it right now but it's the Sabbath.

So tomorrow, we defeat all Juggernauts. And yes we're awarding ourselves smoothies if we finally win.